


Pleasure to Burn

by Neffectual



Series: 104 Reasons to Stay Alive [7]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Bigotry & Prejudice, Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-19
Updated: 2014-07-19
Packaged: 2018-02-09 13:17:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1984401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neffectual/pseuds/Neffectual
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are reasons why they don't touch, or speak, unless they are in private. But some things are worth burning for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pleasure to Burn

**Author's Note:**

> The title is a quote from Fahrenheit 451. The emotions are from the heart.

_You’d burn for him._  
Erwin looks at the words he’s written on the page in front of him, screws it up into a ball and flings it at the wall. He’s not allowed this, not allowed to want. He’s chosen humanity over being human, in the end, and he made that choice long ago. No one is going to change the world for him; he has to go out and change it himself. The commander rises, picks up the scrap of paper, and takes it back to the desk, unfurling it and flattening out the creases. The list has twelve names on, and that’s just the numbers from the last two weeks. There will be more. He licks his finger and uses it to smear the ink where he’s written on the page. He doesn’t want to think about it.

You’d think the world might have become more liberal over the time in which the titans came, but it turns out that when humanity feels threatened, that is when their moral outrage rises with the walls. It was known that there were people living together in relationships which the community at large didn’t exactly approve of, but since the fall of Maria, it’s seen as even less appropriate. Twelve names, in a species rapidly moving closer to extinction. Twelve more people gone, in two weeks. It’s not a nice way to go, either; people too afraid of titans to leave corpses inside the walls. So they burn them. Alive.  
 _You’d burn for him._

 _He’d die for you._  
That’s what makes it harder, the inability to cease sending him out into danger, the fact that every order is followed unquestioningly. Erwin knows that he holds the power of life and death in his hands, and that every move he makes can change something for someone, can be the cause of their last breath. It is a power he has never wanted, never needed, and soldiers hand their lives over to him, and he is supposed to lead them to victory. It is never a victory, and he feels cheap, unworthy, a fraud for suggesting that they will all survive this, whenever they come back with more bodies than soldiers.

The one who always comes back and always comes to him, the one he most desperately wants to keep safe is the one who he puts in danger simply with that wish. Not for the first time, Erwin thinks that if he really, truly loves Levi, he’ll stop this, now, before either of them gets hurt. And they will. That’s just a fact of living like this. Levi will continue to go out and fight titans, and Erwin will continue to be the one who sends him out there – but neither will risk being seen to enter each other’s rooms, or walking together in the market. They lower their voices when others walk by, and Erwin knows that Levi has some floozy in town, a lady who lets him sit and read a book in exchange for a silver, then tells the town how Humanity’s Strongest has the stamina of an ox.  
 _He’d die for you._

 _You blaze for him._  
But there are the moments, those which are few and far between, never risking much contact, when they can be together, whether that be poring over plans for attack in Erwin’s office, or taking a nightcap of brandy in Levi’s room, although Erwin doesn’t imbibe. Their hands will touch, their eyes linger just a little longer than is proper, and Erwin can read lust there; lust, respect, admiration, love. They barely touch, and Levi sets his pulse racing, his heart pounding against the skin of his chest as if it would leap out. Even alone in Levi’s room, there is nothing more than a hand on a shoulder, perhaps a lip might quirk in a smile, because there are eyes everywhere, and they are always at risk.

The scrutiny is hard to bear, constantly watched, not only by the people and the rest of the corps, but by the military police, too, who enforce the bigotry and hatred like it’s not just their job but their hobby. Walking past them in the street, pulling two young women away from each other, Erwin has to bit his lip until it bleeds to stop himself from intervening. Levi lets their shoulders touch, just briefly, just that enough of a risk, and Erwin’s tension softens. Despite how much he wants to, it is clear that he cannot save everyone. That night, he lingers at Levi’s door, the man’s eyes half-lidded with the brandy and lust, and it aches, physically aches to walk away and not look back. He hears the door close, and takes a slow, calm breath to stop the twisting of his stomach.  
 _You blaze for him._

 _So do something worth dying for._  
When Levi comes home safe, walks into the mess hall without his squad, alone, bloody and soaked to the skin, Erwin stands.  
“I report – ”  
His commander cups his chin and leans down to brush their lips together, before Levi takes control and kisses him savagely, all that passion, all that loss, all that pain shared between them, and who gives a damn who’s looking, who gives a damn if the whole corps are staring at them in stunned silence, who gives a damn if the military police are on their way to place them on a pyre together. In this moment, and this moment is all that matters, Erwin loves Levi with a passion which _burns_.  
Finally, he has something worth living for.


End file.
